Why hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between a "blazing inferno" and "toast"?
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Why hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can...
Why hasn't someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between a "blazing inferno" and "toast"?
My Brain
My Brain
5% - names
3% - phone numbers
2% - stuff I should know for school
90% - song lyrics
When you said you had my back
When you said you had my back, I didn't realize you meant for a place to store your knife.
Like I got called on The Price is Right
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
dragging the dead body of the previous day
This day just drags on and on. Like really dragging. This day is dragging the dead body of the previous day.
Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
Did you ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
You Won't Escape an Awkward Situation by Ripping Off This Label
You Won't Escape an Awkward Situation by Ripping Off This Label
Things have gone silent which is probably why your undressing your drink.
But making label confetti isn't going to impress anyone. Instead, talk about the time you caught a huge tuna with only your hands, even if you never have. Anything's better than what you're doing now.
Facebook Status vs Reality
Facebook Status:
Spent this beautiful day gardening, washing the car, & playing at the park with my kids.
Reality:------------------->
you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Even if you son't know what you're doing, someone else will
It's true, small towns do have the biggest mouths.
Even if you son't know what you're doing, someone else will.
...but you can unsubscribe from their updates.
You can't fix stupid, but you can unsubscribe from their updates.
Sorry I've been a bad friend lately
Sorry I've been a bad friend lately. I've been busy being an awesome hermit.
Oh, To Be a Kid Again
Oh, To Be a Kid Again
Things to do today
Go to the store
Play
Sing a tune or song
Eat
Draw
Drink
Get dizzy
Sit down
Promise to Sleep Early -> The Internet
Sleep Late -> Wake Up Tired -> Promise to Sleep Early -> The Internet
when you yell "Seriously?!?" at your alarm clock
You know it's going to be a long day when you yell "Seriously?!?" at your alarm clock.
Please get a new cup every time you need a drink of water
Yes, please get a new cup every time you need a drink of water. I love doing dishes.
My face when I'm motivating a friend to do something stupid
My face when I'm motivating a friend to do something stupid.
I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend.
Dear Week,
I'm so over you. I'm leaving you for your best friend, Weekend.
'Bathtub" spelled backwards is "bathtub"
You just realized...
'Bathtub" spelled backwards is "bathtub". It's really not, but for a second there you believed me.
Wouldn't it be nice if they took some fat too?
When people suck the life out of you, wouldn't it be nice if they took some fat too?
I like to ease into the day by taking a nice, long nap.
After I wake up in the morning, I like to ease into the day by taking a nice, long nap.
So glad the weekend is here so I can...
So glad the weekend is here so I can wash the dishes, mop the floors, clean the toilets, dust the furniture and do the laundry!
A man's talent can't compare
A man's talent can't compare to how effortlessly a woman can paint her nails, put on makeup, shave her legs & eat a box of cookies. All at the same time. While driving.
Security Check
Security Check
Please enter the two words below, separated by a space, to prove that you are human.
A bunch of scribbles separated by a space.
I know, please don't judge me.
My taste in music ranges from "you need to listen to this" to "I know, please don't judge me."
Let's clean the house before the cleaning lady comes.
Let's clean the house before the cleaning lady comes.
Look! He's gonna take another bite.
Look! He's gonna take another bite.
Four dog eyeing a guy sitting in a chair in the living room.
Just get in! There's no time to explain.
Just get in! There's no time to explain.
A British cat driving a car.
Peeps Bowl For Easter M&Ms
Peeps Bowl For Easter M&Ms
Bake cake as directed for a single round size. Frost with white frosting. Take rabbit peeps color of your choice. Cover they edge of the cake. They will stick to the frosting. Then top with pastel candies. M&Ms work great, but you can use your favorite candy if you wish.
Get Well Soon
Get Well Soon
Dead raccoon roadkill on side of the road with a Get Well Soon balloon tied to it.
Strawberry Heart Hand Pies
Strawberry Heart Hand Pies
1 package pre made pie crust (look for one with no hydrogenated oils, like trader joes or store brand)
strawberry pie filling (look for one with no high fructose corn syrup)
fresh strawberries – 1 or 2, washed and dried
heart cookie cutter
water
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use one package (1 round) of pie crust. Cut out 8 hearts and place 4 onto a Silpat lined baking sheet. Place 2 spoonfuls of strawberry pie filling into the center of each heart. Cut small holes into the center of the remaining hearts. Dip your finger into water and moisten the edge of each remaining heart and place it on top of each prepared heart. Press gently with your finger, then use a fork to press the edges to form a seal. Place one slice of a fresh strawberry on top of each hole. Cook for 20 minutes. Serves 4.
Efficient Way to Serve Ice Cream
Efficient Way to Serve Ice Cream
Scoop ice cream into cupcake cups, then into tins, before the party starts.
Set in the freezer, and when it's time for the cake and ice cream, they are all ready to go.. Huge time saver.
Watch him walk through a spider web
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you've got, watch him walk through a spider web.
Skinny Chicken Salad
Skinny Chicken Salad
1 lb. chicken breast, chopped; 1/2 c. diced red onion; 1/2 c. diced apple; 2/3 c. grapes, halved; 1/3 c. dried cranberries; 1/4 c. sliced almonds; 1/2 c. Greek yogurt; 1.5 tbsp. lemon juice; 1/2 tsp. garlic powder; salt & pepper.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Cookie Dough for a Quick Snack or Pre Preparation
Cookie Dough for a Quick Snack or Pre Preparation
Make up cookie batches ahead of time. Put them in an ice tray, freeze, then once frozen, put them into Air Tight freezer bags. when you feel like a cookie, just pick out enough for your evening snack and bake.
You could also get a big jump on Holiday cookies doing this. Make the cookies in advance and bake them later to not have to take up so much time on the day of the event.
4th of July Dessert Kabobs
4th of July Dessert Kabobs
Mini cupcakes made red white and blue. Frost with white frosting, and festive red/blue sprinkles skewered in between, fresh strawberries and marshmallows, which have been half moistened with water and dipped into Red and Blue Jello on each end.
Banana Split Brownie Pizza
Banana Split Brownie Pizza
1 (19 1/2 ounce) package brownie mix
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1 (8 ounce) can crushed pineapple, drained
2 tablespoons sugar
1/2 cup nuts
strawberry
banana
chocolate syrup
Directions:
1 Preheat oven to 375.
2 Prepare brownie mix according to package directions.
3 Place parchment paper on 15-inch baking stone.
4 Pour brownie mixture on paper and spread into 14-inch circle.
5 Do not bake without parchment paper or batter will run off stone while baking.
6 Bake 15-20 minutes or until set.
7 Cool completely.
8 Mix cream cheese and sugar until smooth. Add drained pineapple and mix well.
9 Spread over brownie crust.
10 Slice banana and strawberries using Egg Slicer Plus.
11 Chop nuts using Food Chopper or Manual Food Processor.
12 Arrange fruits and nuts on top of cream cheese mixture.
13 Drizzle with chocolate syrup.
14 Chill.
St. Patty’s Day Brownies
St. Patty’s Day Brownies
Ingredients
1 box brownie mix plus ingredients listed on the package, prepared according to box directions
1 (8 oz) pkg cream cheese, softened
½ cup sugar
1 egg
1 Tbsp all-purpose flour
1 Tbsp vanilla
green food coloring (I used 12 drops)
optional: mint flavoring added to brownie mix or frosting!
Instructions
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 9 x 13 inch baking dish with non-stick cooking spray using the Kitchen Spritzer. (or cover dish with parchment paper to easily remove after cooking)
Pour prepared brownie batter into the prepared 9 x 13 inch dish.
2. In a bowl, beat the cream cheese and sugar together until well blended. Beat in the egg, flour, vanilla, and food coloring until well blended and smooth. Drop cream cheese mixture by tablespoonfuls evenly on top of batter. With knife, cut through mixture a few times to marble.
3. Bake as directed on brownie mix box or until toothpick inserted in center comes out almost clean. Cool completely, about 1 hour and cut into squares. Store in refrigerator.
Rolo Brownie Bites with Caramel Cream Cheese Frosting
Rolo Brownie Bites with Caramel Cream Cheese Frosting
Ingredients:
1 box fudge brownie mix plus necessary eggs, oil & water per package instructions (or your favorite homemade recipe)
24 Rolo candies plus extras for the cook’s snack
4 TBS. butter, softened at room temperature
4 oz. cream cheese, softened at room temperature
2 TBS. caramel sauce
1 cup confectioners sugar
Directions:
Remove all the wrappers and refrigerate the Rolo candies. Pre-heat oven to 325F. Prepare brownies according to package directions. Grease a 24 cup mini muffin tin with Kitchen Spritzer and fill each cup 3/4 full with batter using small stainless scoop. Bake for 15-20 minutes until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Remove from oven and immediately press a Rolo, smaller side down, into the center of each brownie bite until the top of the Rolo is even with the top of the brownie bite. Cool for a couple of minutes then carefully remove the brownie bites from the pan to stackable cooling rack. Allow to cool completely.
To make the frosting, whip the butter and cream cheese together until smooth. Add the caramel sauce and blend. Add the confectioners sugar and whip until creamy and smooth. Using Easy Accent Decorator, pipe the frosting onto the top of each brownie bite. Chill in the refrigerator to set the frosting a bit before serving.
Bowled Over by Chocolate
Bowled Over by Chocolate
Inflate eight 5.-in. (13-cm) balloons to measure 11-in. (28-cm) around widest part. Line Large Sheet Pan with Parchment Paper. Place 8 oz.(250g) chopped bittersweet chocolate into clean, dry Small Micro-Cooker®. Microwave, uncovered, on HIGH 1-2 minutes or until mostly melted, stirring every 30 seconds; stir until smooth. Place 4 oz.(125g) chopped white chocolate in (2-cup/500-mL) Prep Bowl. Microwave as directed above. Drizzle some of the white chocolate into bittersweet chocolate. Dip bottom end of one balloon into chocolate and tilt in a north-south-east-west pattern to form four "petals." Place on sheet pan; hold in place until balloon can stand upright. Repeat with remaining balloons, adding white chocolate as necessary. Freeze 15 minutes. Carefully puncture balloons at knotted end using pin. Slowly release air; remove balloons. Fill with ice cream, pudding, or as desired.
Use the colander to dry cake pops
Use the colander to dry cake pops without getting that "flat side"
Easy Lemon Bars
Easy Lemon Bars
Ingredients
1 box angel food cake mix
1 jar lemon curd, jar, heat 45 seconds
1/8 cup water
Instructions
Mix together and spread in a 13x9 greased pan bake at 325 for 25 mins. When cool sprinkle with powdered sugar.
She also gave the hint of heating up the lemon curd for 45 seconds and adding 1/8 cup of water when mixing. That really was helpful as the lemon curd is really thick.
Servings: 16
Mini Lemon Scone Bites with Lemon Glaze
Mini Lemon Scone Bites with Lemon Glaze
For the scones:
2 c. flour
1/4 c. sugar
1 t. baking powder
1 t. baking soda
1/2 c. butter, cut into small pieces
2 t. freshly grated lemon zest
1/4 c. freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/4 c. milk
1. In a large bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder and baking soda. Cut the butter pieces into flour until crumbly. (Honestly, I find the quickest and easiest way to do this is with my hands. It takes about a minute!)
2. Stir the lemon zest into the mixing bowl. Combine the lemon juice and milk and immediately pour into the mixing bowl. Stir until combined and work dough into a ball. Knead 8-10 times. Let dough rest in the refrigerator for at least 15 minutes.
3. On a well floured surface, roll out dough until it is about a 1/2″ thick. With a knife, cut the dough into small triangles. Or, using a shot glass or clean medicine cup, cut the dough into small circles. Place on a cookie sheet and bake at 350 degrees for 12-15 minutes, until lightly golden brown on top. Remove to a wire rack and cool completely.
For the Lemon Glaze:
1 c. powdered sugar
2 t. freshly grated lemon zest
1/4 c. freshly squeezed lemon juice (more or less depending on consistency)
1. In a small bowl, combine powdered sugar and lemon zest. Slowly add just enough lemon juice until you reach the desired consistency for a glaze. (I just squeezed my lemon directly into the bowl and added more as needed. I used almost a whole lemon (roughly 1/4 c. lemon juice) to get the right consistency.)
2. Spoon glaze over the cooled mini scones and let dry.
You can make, both triangles and circles.
Strawberry Shortcake Bites
Strawberry Shortcake Bites
Angle food cake cut into squares, skewered with strawberries and chocolate drizzled over them
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