Friday, December 28, 2012

Post-Christmas Birthday Gifts

I'm buying you the nicest birthday gift that post-Christmas clearance sales have to offer.

Hitman Monkey Finds No Joy In His Job

Hitman monkey finds no joy in his job.

Out Of Clutter, Find Simplicity

Out of clutter, find simplicity;
out of discord, harmony.

Government Run Health Care

Government Run Health Care

Combining the customer service excellence of your local DMV with the business-savvy practices of the US Postal Service.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Either You Get Me What I Want For Christmas, Or Dasher And Dance Are Next

Dear Santa,

Either you get me what I want for Christmas, or Dasher and Dance are next!  Make it happen fat man!

I Just Like To Smile. Smiling's My Favorite.

I just like to smile.  Smiling's my favorite.

Nevermind, I'll Buy My Own Presents

Dear Santa,

[  ] I've been good this year.

[  ] Ok, most of the time

[  ] Once in a while

[x] Nevermind, I'll buy my own presents

The Awkward Moment When You Catch Yourself Singing A Song That You're Supposed To Hate

The awkward moment when you catch yourself singing a song that you're supposed to hate.

I Asked For 100 Elves

Hello, employment agency?  There's been a mistake...I asked for 100 elves!

A cartoon of Satan Claus surrounded by Elvis Presley impersonators.

I Forgot Your Name As Soon As You Said It

It was SO nice meeting you.  I forgot your name as soon as you said it.

Women Are Completely Defenseless, Until Their Nail Polish Is Dry

Women are completely defenseless, until their nail polish is dry.

We're All Mature Until Someone Brings Out The Bubble Wrap

We're all mature until someone brings out the bubble wrap.

That Awkward Moment When You Want To Cough Badly

That awkward moment when you want to cough badly, but it's dead silent.

When The Kitten Hugs The Dog

When the kitten hugs the dog, you know something bad is going to happen.

Obviously one of the signs of the Apocalypse. 

I'm Only Wearing It When Grandma Comes To Visit

I'm only wearing it when grandma comes to visit.

What Ponies Ask Santa For

Dear Santa,

I would like a child for Christmas.

What ponies ask Santa for.

People Who Share Their Food With Me Have A Special Place In My Heart

People who share their food with me have a special place in my heart.

You, My Friend, Just Made A BIG Mistake

You, my friend, just made a BIG mistake.

Be Naughty, Save Santa The Trip

Be naughty, save Santa the trip.

You Know You're Getting Old When Santa Starts Looking Younger

You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

It's Ok, They Will Just Think Santa Ate Them

It's ok, they will just think Santa ate them.

A dog and a cat taking Santa's Christmas cookies and milk.

The Original Meal Has Never Been Found

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.

Favorite Gym Exercise - Judging

My favorite exercise at the gym would probably be judging.

Minnie And Goofy Walking And Holding Hands

Mickey shocked as he sees Minnie and Goofy walking and holding hands.

Nobody Liked Caroling With Yoda

"A merry Christmas we wish you...A merry Christmas we wish you..."

Nobody liked caroling with Yoda

Zombie Apocalypse - An Excuse To Do Something Constructive

Zombie Apocalypse

Chances are, you're already surrounded by mindless bloodthirsty, half-alive, subhuman wretches.  An actual zombie outbreak would just give you an excuse to do something constructive.

Food Pyramid - Pizza Close Enough

Food pyramid - pizza

Close enough.

The Best Way To Play Mario Kart

The best way to play Mario Kart.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

A Group Of Squids - A Squad

Forever disappointed that a group of squids isn't called a squad.

I Want To Love Him For The Way That He Loves Me

I want to know my place.  I want to feel less lost and more found.  I want with desperation to be wanted.  I want to love and be loved.  I wanted to be held; not held back.  I want to feel that somebody could love me for me, even if I am never better than what I am right now at this very moment.

And I don't want to just love him...I want to love him for the way that he loves me.

Nothing Says I Don't Trust You At All Quite Like...

Nothing says I don't trust you at all quite like a...
Joint Facebook account

Friday, December 21, 2012

I'm Sorry, Was This Private?

I love when someone puts a long complaint as their status update and you ask if they're ok and they reply, "inbox me."  I'm sorry, was this private?


A Solid Foundation of Faith

To build a solid Foundation of Faith one must have personal integrity.  Choose the right consistently.  Repent.  Forgive.  Give Thanks.  Have Patience.  Serve persistently with full heart and soul.  Lift up.  Then watch that testimony of truth turn into unbreakable spiritual strength.

Discipleship Is Not A Competition

Discipleship is not a competition at all but an invitation to all.  Our journey of discipleship is not a dash around the track, nor is it fully comparable to a lengthy marathon.  In Truth, it is a lifelong migration toward a more celestial world.  Wherever you now find yourself on the road of discipleship, you are on the right road, the road toward eternal life.

I Think I'll Name Her Sarah

I think I'll name her Sarah.

I'm sorry, but that name is already taken.  However you can still have Sarah4343 or Sarah_12.


Love Is Like Playing The Piano

Love is like playing the piano.  First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from the heart.

The Need To Prove Who You Are

The need to prove who you are will vanish once you know who you are

It's Who You Think You're Not

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not

If You Keep Blaming Everyone Else For Who You Are

You will never become who you were meant to be if you keep blaming everyone else for who you are.

The Sky's The Limit

"Timmy" his father said "remember that for you, the sky's the limit."  And just like that, Timmy's dream of becoming an astronaut were crushed.

You Cannot Help The Wage Earner By Pulling Down The Wage Payer

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.  You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.  You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.  You cannot further the brotherhood of man by encouraging class hatred.  You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.  You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.  You cannot build character and courage by taking away man's initiative and independence.  You cannot help men permanently by doing for them that they could and should do for themselves.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

People Are Making Apocalypse Jokes Like There's No Tomorrow

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

The spirit of contention is not of me.

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.