Bananas Should Have Really Loud Wrappers

Bananas Should Have Really Loud Wrappers,
like hey, look at me, I'm eating fruit!

Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhhh, I'm a loser.

I wanted to to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

I wanted to to lose 10 pounds this year.  Only 13 to go.

*follows diet*

*Follows diet*
*Diet doesn't follow back*
*Unfollows diet*

I Make My Daughter Wear My Fitbit During Her Soccer Games

I Make My Daughter Wear My Fitbit During Her Soccer Games

While I sit on the sideline eating snacks.

I Only Eat Organic Top-of-Line, Limited Ingredient Dog Food

I Only Eat Organic Top-of-Line, Limited Ingredient Dog Food

And my own feces.

My Stomach Auto-Corrected to "Cupcakes"

My Brain Said "Cardio"

My Stomach Auto-Corrected to "Cupcakes"

I'm Already Eating at a Thanksgiving Level

I'm Already Eating at a Thanksgiving Level

It's Almost Swimsuit Season

It's Almost Swimsuit Season

And I'm like,  "I need this."

It's called Diet because all the other 4-letter words were taken

It's called Diet because all the other 4-letter words were taken.

Wow That Lean Cuisine Really Filled Me Up

"Wow that Lean Cuisine really filled me up," said no one ever.

Eat Them Too

Diet Ideas:  Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.

I Thought I Was Losing Weight, But It Turned Out My Sweatpants Had Come Untied

I Thought I Was Losing Weight, But It Turned Out My Sweatpants Had Come Untied

A Diet Is Just Code For A Time When You Eat Food You Dislike and Still Feel Hungry

A Diet Is Just Code For A Time When You Eat Food You Dislike and Still Feel Hungry

If we're not meant to have midnight snacks...

If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.

I Got Fat For Christmas

Do You What I Got For Christmas?  Fat.  I got fat for Christmas.

Chuck-E_Cheese: Because It's Never Too Early To Introduce Your Children To Poor Nutrition and Gambling

Chuck-E_Cheese: Because It's Never Too Early To Introduce Your Children To Poor Nutrition and Gambling

I Wanted To Lose 10 Pounds This Year. Only 13 To Go.

I Wanted To Lose 10 Pounds This Year.  Only 13 To Go.

I Hate It When I Think I'm Buying Organic Vegetables

I Hate It When I Think I'm Buying Organic Vegetables

But when I get home they're just regular donuts.

Low Carb and Gluten Free Salad

Low Carb and Gluten Free Salad

A plate full of chopped up bacon.

...And A Diet Soda, Please

...And A Diet Soda, Please

A three foot tall and two foot wide sandwich.