All That Spam: February 2013

Thursday, February 28, 2013

A Clear Toaster

A Clear Toaster

Then you could see how toaster the toast is while it's toasting.

I'd toast to that.

always have a good Facebook picture

Be sure you always have a good Facebook picture because you never know when you'll end up on the news.

Yawn. I forgot the punch line.

So the clown walks into a pub and...

Yawn.

I forgot the punch line.

You are my sunshine. You may have damaged me.

You are my sunshine. And by that I mean I think you may have damaged me in ways I won't know about for years to come.

I licked the spoon and kept using it.

Homemade with love. In other words, I licked the spoon and kept using it.

Punctuation saves lives.

Let's eat Grandma.

Let's eat, Grandma.

Punctuation saves lives.

Is your story over yet?

Is your story over yet?

I've passed kidney stones less painful than this.

Feeling Ugly?

Feeling Ugly?

Go chill in Walmart for 2 hours. You'll feel A LOT better.

If the screams from my truck bother you turn the radio up.

If the screams from my truck bother you turn the radio up.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

That awkward moment when you realize you don't have a cat.

...and then I said I will be ready in 5 minutes.

WHAT I IF TOLD YOU...?

WHAT I IF TOLD YOU
you read the top line wrong?

I have a feeling this is going to be a short fight.

I have a feeling this is going to be a short fight.

I am going to my room because I want to...

And I am going to my room because I want to, not because you tell me to!!!

What I plan to do when I get back from work.

What I plan to do when I get back from work.

What I actually end up doing.

I hate winter.

Going to Work. Going home after work. I hate winter.

Today is a great day for not caring.

Can we just write the pizza guy a check?

Can we just write the pizza guy a check? I only found 75 cents in there and someplace called "Narnia".

I start my journey today and I walnut fail.

having to slap an old TV a few times

Talking to you is like having to slap an old TV a few times to get the picture.

Being an introvert

Being an introvert allows me to care about humanity and despise human beings, simultaneously.

Smile! It's the last Friday far 2012.

Stop making me laugh.

Stop making me laugh. I'm gonna pee myself!

I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death

I'm starting to think I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my own home.

You don't have to go to market if you don't want to.

It's okay little piggy. You don't have to go to market if you don't want to.

The reason they invented Photoshop

I'm sorry you had to see the human naked.

I'm sorry you had to see the human naked.

I know divorce is tough, man.

I know divorce is tough, man. But my food dish isn't gonna fill itself.

I said no clowns at my party.

I said no clowns at my party. So why is your boyfriend here?

sensor in my sofa

I am completely convinced that there is a sensor in my sofa that alerts the men and children in my home of the exact moment I sit down.

I want you to know that whatever problems you're having

I want you to know that whatever problems you're having, I'm here to read about it on Facebook.

Why don't they just share the hedge?

Hedgehogs
Why don't they just share the hedge?

When you order online Domino's tells you the name of your delivery driver.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I have OCD and ADD

I have OCD and ADD, so everything has to be perfect, but not for very long.

The Deadly Facts About Water

Fact!
Water can be chemically synthesized by burning rocket fuel.

Fact!
Water is one of the primary ingredients in herbicides and pesticides.

Fact!
Over consumption can cause excessive sweating, urination, and even death.

Fact!
Water is the leading cause of drowning.

Fact!
100% of all serial killers, rapists, and drug dealings have admitted to drinking water.

Fact!
100 percent of all people exposed to water will die.