Saturday, August 31, 2013

The Real Neighborhood Watch



The Real Neighborhood Watch

Three dogs looking through a fence.  Two of the dogs are large dogs and are looking over the fence and one is a little dog looking under it.

The two big dogs can see that the neighborhood intruder is male and his height.  The little dog notes that the suspects shoes are brown.

I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.



It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.  (Not even remotely.)

Twist the loose end as much as possible and push.

image

I bet you hate opening knots as much as the next guy.  Hint:  Don't try to pull from under the knot.
Instead twist the loose end as much as possible and push.
Awesome!

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.



The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

If you wait for perfect conditions, you'll never get anything done.



If you wait for perfect conditions, you'll never get anything done.

A woman running down a snow covered dirt road.

I serve the kind of food I know the story behind.



I serve the kind of food I know the story behind.

A picture of some plants growing.

A toddler in a police hat eating a doughnut.



Never too early to start training.

A toddler in a police hat eating a doughnut.

Put a wooden spoon across a boiling pot of water to keep it from boiling over.

image

Put a wooden spoon across a boiling pot of water to keep it from boiling over.

Obama gives guns to Syrian Islamists and Mexican drug cartels



Isn't it odd that Obama gives guns to Syrian Islamists and Mexican drug cartels, while trying to take them away from American citizens?

Haters only hate the people they can't have or the people they can't be.



Haters only hate the people they can't have or the people they can't be.

Most people don't use their brain very often.



Don't worry about what others think...
Most people don't use their brain very often.

It's already tomorrow in Australia.



Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Weight Watchers Cheesecake Squares



Weight Watchers Cheesecake Squares

5 Points Per
Makes 16 squares
Ingredients
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
3/4 cup M&M or Smarties candies
1/2 cup walnuts, chopped
1 egg
1/3 cup margarine
1 cup flour
1/4 cup sugar, granulated
1/3 cup sugar, brown packed
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Preparation
1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Beat the margarine and brown sugar until light and fluffy.
3. Add the walnuts and flour; mix well.
4. Reserve 1/2 cup of the crumb mixture; press the remaining crumb mixture into bottom of a 8″ square pan.
5. Bake at 350 degrees for about 10 minutes.
6. Combine the softened cream cheese, granulated sugar and vanilla; using an electric mixer, mix at medium speed until well blended.
7. Add the egg; mix well.
8. Layer 1/2 cup of the Smarties or M&M candies over the crust; top with the cream cheese mixture.
9. Combine the remaining candy and reserved crumb mixture; mix well.
10. Sprinkle the crumb mixture over the cream cheese mixture.
11. Bake at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes.
12. Let cool completely before serving.

WW POINTS for one square: 5
Nutritional information for one square: 217 calories, 13.6g fat, 0.7g fiber

To succeed in life, you need three things:


To succeed in life, you need three things:

A wish bone, a back bone, and a funny bone.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Cup Cakes in a Jar


Cup Cakes in a Jar

Turn a regular cup cake into a one of a kind desert. Make your cup cakes, store bought or homemade, Get your self some empty mason jars. Once the cup cakes are cool, remove from tin, slice sideways in three separate pieces. Note: Use a shark knife, you can freeze the cakes for awhile as to avoid crumbs. Place the bottom piece in the jar, then spread a layer of your favorite fruit, jelly, etc, then a dollop of whipped cream, then on top of that place the second piece and repeat the same method, until you have used all three sections of the cupcake. On the top pile on the whipped cream, and use a little of the filling, fruit etc as a garnish to add color.

"We don't need you. We'll get Ben Affleck."


And they said...
"We don't need you.  We'll get Ben Affleck."

Picture of Christian Bale laughing.  The implication is that he is laughing because they hired Ben Affleck to replace him playing in the Batman movies.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Tough looking guy holding a drawing of a fierce looking black horse with large wings.



Tough looking guy holding a drawing of a fierce looking black horse with large wings.  The drawing is for a tattoo artist to draw on his back.

What he is drawing is a soft stick figure looking horse with fly wings.

turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems



Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?

Everything you want is on the other side of fear.



Everything you want is on the other side of fear.

My day starts backwards.



My day starts backwards.

I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

PIE IN A JAR


PIE IN A JAR

12 – Half-Pint Wide-Mouth Mason Jars
3 – 9-inch Pie Crusts (double that, if you’re making a pie that needs crust on top)
Pie Filling 

Directions:
Wash and dry the Mason Jars.
Cut the pie crust into quarters. You’ll use 1/4 of each pie crust for each jar.
Press the piece of pie crust into the jar, completely covering the sides and reapplying excess crust as needed.
Fill the jar with your pie filling and top with crust if needed.
Ok – now, you can put the lids on and freeze the individual pies (before baking) to have them set aside in the event you need a quick dessert for company.
You’ll just pull ‘em from the freezer and bake them as directed in the recipe.
Or, you can go ahead and bake your pies according to the recipe. I've found no variation in cook time needed from a 9-inch pie to the Pies in a Jar. You might want to keep an eye on your pies, though, just to be safe.

Once they’re ready, just let ‘em cool and serve when desired.

Monkey Bread in a Jar


Monkey Bread in a Jar

Ingredients:
12 tbsp butter
1 cup milk, heated to about 110 degrees F
1/3 cup water, heated to about 110 degrees F
1/4 cup sugar
1 (1/4th oz) package dry active yeast
3 cups flour
2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground cardamom
1 cup brown sugar
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg

Directions:

Combine the warm milk, water, yeast and sugar in a mixing bowl. Let sit for five minutes. Be sure here that your water and milk are not TOO hot (temperature should feel like warm bath water). Liquid that is too hot will kill the yeast!

Meanwhile, whisk together the flour, salt and cardamom together in another bowl. After five minutes, add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and mix on medium high speed using a dough hook attachment for about eight minutes, or until dough becomes a smooth ball. Alternately, you can do this by hand. Just keep kneading the dough until it becomes smooth and elastic.

Spray a bowl with cooking spray and place your dough ball inside. Cover with a dish towel or plastic wrap and set in a warm spot to rise for about an hour. You want the ball to double in size. (I let my dough rise for 1.5 hours since my house was a little cool that morning).

After the initial rise, roll out dough to a large rectangle. Using a kitchen scissors, cut one inch squares of dough out of the rectangle.

Melt four tablespoons of the butter and use it to grease eight 8-oz glass jars (OR four 12-oz mason jars).

Melt the remaining butter and pour it into a small bowl. In another small bowl, mix together the brown sugar, nutmeg and cinnamon. Dunk each square of dough in the melted butter and then into the brown sugar. Drop it into a greased glass jar. Fill each jar only half way full then set the jars in a warm spot to rise for another 50 minutes.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Place jars on a baking sheet two inches apart and bake for 25 minutes, or until dough has cooked through. Serve warm!

Time: 2.5 hours

And those Romulans would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids.



And those Romulans would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those meddling Starfleet kids.

Night of the Living Trekkies.

The Scooby-Doo characters dressed as Star Trek: The Original Series characters.

Sugar-Free Incredible Cheesecake! (SPLENDA)


Sugar-Free Incredible Cheesecake! (SPLENDA)

Ingredients
3/4 C. milk
2 tsp. vanilla
1 C. Splenda
1/2 C. Bisquick
2 eggs
2 8 oz. pkg. cream cheese, cut into about 1/2" cubes and softened
Topping:
1 C. sour cream
2 Tbs. Splenda
2 tsp. vanilla
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease pie plate. Put milk, vanilla, eggs, Splenda and bisquick in blender and blend for 15 seconds. Add cream cheese, blend on high for additional 2 minutes. Pour into pie plate and bake until center is firm 40 to 45 minutes. Mix topping and keep cool. Let cheesecake cool and spread topping. Refrigerate.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Toilet seat with little green footprints on it and green water.



Toilet seat with little green footprints on it and green water.  Likely implying that a leprechaun had been in the bathroom.

You are no match for my powers of cuteness.


You are no match for my powers of cuteness.

Kitten standing on its hind legs.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Just because I wear mouse ears, ride in elephants, fly on magic carpets and cry when I see fireworks doesn't make me weird


Just because I wear mouse ears, ride in elephants, fly on magic carpets and cry when I see fireworks doesn't make me weird.  In fact, it makes you boring.

There will always be a reason why you meet people.



There will always be a reason why you meet people.  Either you need them to change your life or you are the one that will change theirs.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Focus on all the positives in your life, and cancel out the negative.



Focus on all the positives in your life, and cancel out the negative.

They laugh at me because I'm different



They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at the because they're all the same.

Skin Clarifying Exfoliant



Skin Clarifying Exfoliant

1. Combine 1 Tbsp brown sugar, 1 Tbsp white sugar, 2 Tbsp coconut oil, and 2 mashed strawberries in a bowl.
2. Apply exfoliant to face and gently polish away dead skin and impurities.
3. Repeat 1-2 times a week as needed.

I changed my car horn sound to gun shots.



I changed my car horn sound to gun shots.

People move out of the way much faster now.

My week is basically:


My week is basically:

Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

I've bypassed crazy...



I've bypassed crazy...
slid by insane and I'm on my way straight to psycho.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.



Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.



You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.  For instance, if they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

You always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.



Stupid Autocorrect.

You always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

We are not old! We are recycled teenagers.



We are not old!  We are recycled teenagers.

People tend to complicate their own live, as if living weren't already complicated enough.



People tend to complicate their own live, as if living weren't already complicated enough.

There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you.


There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn't jump puddles for you.

Canadian CSI


Canadian CSI

Two CSI investigating a snowy crime scene and finding evidence buried.

CSI1:  It's a boot.

CSI2:  Aboot what?

Meetings! The Practical Alternative to Work!


Are you lonely working on your own?

Hate making decisions?

Hold a meeting!

You can...
  • See people
  • Draw flowcharts
  • Feel important
  • Impress your peers
  • Accomplish nothing
  • Plan another meeting
AND ALL THIS ON COMPANY TIME!!

Meetings!  The Practical Alternative to Work!


I've out lived Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, and Elvis.





I've out lived Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, and Elvis.

Betcha didn't see that coming.

Bacon Ranch Foil Packet Potatoes


Bacon Ranch Foil Packet Potatoes

3 sheets of heavy-duty foil
10-12 baby red potatoes, thinly sliced
6 slices of cooked and crumbled bacon
1 packet ranch dressing mix
Salt and pepper to taste
3 tablespoons butter
Sour cream for serving, if desired

1. Spray each sheet of foil with cooking spray. Top each piece with equal portions of potatoes, bacon, and ranch dressing mix. Add salt and pepper to taste. Add 1 tablespoon of butter to each serving. Wrap securely.

2. Grill for 20 to 30 minutes. Let stand 10 minutes before serving. Serve in foil, topped with sour cream if desired.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

I'm Sarcastic. What's your super power?



I'm Sarcastic.

What's your super power?

Your entire life is now ruin.


That moment when you're nearly finished with your makeup and the mascara wand hits your cheek.  Your entire life is now ruin.

Karma



Karma

A guy sitting on a chair at the apex of a circle of giant dominoes.  He is pushing down the one side of the circle, likely unaware that the falling dominoes are going to come around and fall on him.

Kitty Litter Cake



Recipe for Kitty Litter Cake for Halloween. This clever cake recipe, resembles a well used kitty litter box, is actually delicious, despite its appearance. Worth a click for the photo alone. 


Ingredients
•1 spice or German chocolate cake mix 
• 1 white cake mix
• 2 large packages vanilla instant pudding mix, prepared
• 1 large package vanilla sandwich cookies
• green food coloring
• 12 small Tootsie Roll candies
• You'll also need:
• 1 new kitty litter pan
• 1 new kitty litter pan liner
• 1 new pooper scooper


Directions
1.Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans).
2.Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble.
3.Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in food processor, scraping often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix until completely colored.
4.When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. Important: mix in just enough of the pudding to moisten it. You don't want it too soggy. Combine gently.
5.Line a new, clean kitty litter box. Put the cake/pudding/cookie mixture into the litter box.
6.Put 3 unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls bury them in the mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs lightly on top of everything -- this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter.
7.Heat 3 Tootsie Rolls in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake; sprinkle with cookie crumbs. Spread remaining Tootsie Rolls over the top. For the coup de gras take one Tootsie Roll and heat until pliable, hang it over the side of the kitty litter box, sprinkling it lightly with cookie crumbs. Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around for a truly disgusting effect!
8.Further notes: I had a reader write in saying this recipe only needed half the amount of pudding. I personally liked the cake with the amount given in this recipe. But feel free to use this as a loose guideline, use more or less as you see the need. Also, since the layer of cookies (with the chloropyll green specks, covers the top, you could really use any flavor or flavors or cakes underneath. Last but not least, you can also opt not to crumble the cakes, but rather layer them in the pan with the layers of pudding in between (much like you would layer a trifle into a trifle dish), sprinkle the top layer of pudding with a heavy layer of crumbled cookies. Same effect, different texture entirely to the dessert.

Friday, August 16, 2013

The Chicken Police



The Chicken Police

A couple of rabbits are chasing each other and rough housing.  Two chicken get between them and separate them.  They stare down the rabbits and eventually walk away when the rabbits remain calm.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Bacon Ranch Foil Packet Potatoes


Bacon Ranch Foil Packet Potatoes

3 sheets of heavy-duty foil
10-12 baby red potatoes, thinly sliced
6 slices of cooked and crumbled bacon
1 packet ranch dressing mix
Salt and pepper to taste
3 tablespoons butter
Sour cream for serving, if desired

1. Spray each sheet of foil with cooking spray. Top each piece with equal portions of potatoes, bacon, and ranch dressing mix. Add salt and pepper to taste. Add 1 tablespoon of butter to each serving. Wrap securely.

2. Grill for 20 to 30 minutes. Let stand 10 minutes before serving. Serve in foil, topped with sour cream if desired.